Will never understand what is or was it all about

Author of this post: Magalli

I have lived a very busy sixty years of my life now and will never understand what it was all about!

I am accused of thinking too much or analyzing every moment. I believe they are right but I still need answers.

The only reason I did not crack was because when I feel lost I tell myself "girl just go with the flow" it works for a period, the questions come back so the merry go round continues.

Now I understand what my father meant when he said "from birth to 30 its le CHIC, from 30 to 50 its Le CHOC and from 50 onwards its Le CHEQUE"
I understand it because I am 60, have been through the stages and by golly how right he was.

When you are young, people want to know you and you get the looks when you walk down the street, from 30 to 50 you start getting shocked that you do not turn heads any longer. From 50 onwards you need to pay people to be with you. I know it is all a bit exagerated but you get my Gist?

I have lived a grand life as a child of a diplomat, but hardly can remember the grandiour of it as I was pretty messed up in my head to step back and appreciate it. Now I reflect back and think I should have been calm and savor each moment. But I still rush around thinking "what is next?, this is when I miss the moment.

Coming from a strict upbringing, I managed to escape at the age of 18, get myself pregnant and thankfully according to my beliefs at the time, the guy married me so I do not become a disgrace to my family. He was from a different culture to mine, we both were in a foreign country, he was a good man but poor, unemployed and lazy. Of course the children have suffered emotionally of this concuction but if I am to go into detail, I would need to write a book.

Children have grown up! Now What? I ask myself. Have nothing in common with the guy I married! my thoughts overtook me and I upped and left to explore the world that I had missed at 18. I was 45 and had fifteen years of adventure, even managed to become a Lesbian in 2000.
(by the way I am not anymore) I do not know what I am. Have you started to think that I am a lunatic?
You would not think so if you knew the detailed story, as I said previously to explain my life in detail, I'd need to write a long book.

These fifteen years were magical, I achieved much, but oops I think I missed them too because when I was living then, I was still searching for something else. Some people live in the same country, same neighborhood, same chores and are satisfied, unlike souls like me always searching and regretting not living the moment once the moment passed me by.

Today I am 60, alone, and still wondering who I am... where I am going... & what I should be doing?