Here is an interesting article I thought I would share.
Dear AnneP,
I have been seeing a lovely man for 2 years. After only a month together we started planning our future. But despite his being extremely kind and caring, he can't help lying to me. Some of the lies are of little consequence whilst others are much bigger. I do not think for a single minute he would cheat on me, but I think he feels so unsure of himself, he doesn't like to give me answers that might upset or anger me. I hasten to add, I only get upset when I find out the things he has said aren't true. I feel the lies are both an insult to my intelligence and a tremendous blow to my trust in him. I have always been totally upfront with him and I expect him to be the same. Sometimes, not knowing the truth makes my imagination run riot. Like the time he told me he had never been to America. Then I saw on his passport he HAD been there 2 years previously. He said he must have forgotten! He told me he had been with a man he had met at a conference. He couldn't remember his name and didn't know where he was now ... For months I thought he had had a homosexual relationship and I watched the way he looked at other men.
Then eventually, after an argument, he came clean and told me he had been with a woman he had met at a dating agency and he been embarrassed to tell me in case I mocked him. I was in fact so relieved he wasn't gay! Can our relationship survive with these lies, most of which are minor ones? I love him so much but is trust the only sure foundation on which to build a lasting relationship? Jackie
Anne's response:
Dear Jackie,
Thank you for your letter. It's great that you've found a good, caring man. It's not so great, though, that he is sometimes less than honest. So what are you going to do about that?
No doubt you've explained to him that you feel insulted and disrespected when he tells you lies. You have every right to feel this way and it would be astonishing if you didn't. You believe, as I do, that trust is essential if you are to build a good relationship.
Relationships which include lies can survive but only if one partner is so desperate to hang on that she is willing to discount her own feelings and self-esteem. When your partner tells you wonderful things about how you're going to live together, how can you believe this if other things he says aren't true? How do you know that this too isn't a lie designed to bind you to him? If after two years you haven't already moved in or got publically engaged, with both of you acting to bring your wedding-plans about, do the facts back up the words?
People have two main motivations for telling lies. Either they have so little self-esteem that they continually fear rejection and so cover certain truths about themselves. Or they too are so desperate to cling onto a relationship they value that they temporarily fool themselves but they can't keep that up for the rest of their lives. Whichever, people who tell their partners lies are so insecure about themselves that they often do things which they're not willing to explain. Lies are only their first line of defence. Further defences may include cutting off completely, perhaps vanishing for a while or forever. The first person whom a liar distrusts is himself, and let's face it, he knows himself better than you do.
I don't know for sure, any more than you do, whether you and he can build a strong relationship together. But the fact that you're asking indicates that you have grave doubts. Aren't your feelings there to protect you? How can they do that if you don't listen to them?
You do have choices. Presumably you've asked him to tell you the truth and that hasn't worked. You could ask him if he's willing to undergo counselling to overcome his problems. Or you could consider couples counselling. Another alternative is to tell him that you're not willing to put up with any more lies so the very next one and you're out of the relationship. This, of course, could only work if you mean it and if you can trust him. Which is where we came in.
You've already discovered that his actions don't match his words. It's the actions which are the real clue to anybody's character. Someone who tells lies is giving you much-needed information about whether or not you can trust him. And you know the answer to that.
The good news is that you know you can attract nice, caring men. Further good news is that you're smart enough to work out whether you can trust them. And if you can't, you can dump them and look for someone who is reliable, caring, open and honest. There are plenty of men out there who are looking for someone kind, loyal, loving and clever just like you. But will you find them while you're hooked into this man's snares?
It's over to you. I wish you every happiness a stable, honest relationship can bring. You deserve good things. I hope you let yourself find them one way or another. Good luck!
Is it just me or do most men lie?? And if so what's your take on this?
Do they do it mostly to avoid conflict? to avoid getting our feelings hurt ;-)? a combination of both?
